Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
