Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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