Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
