omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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