my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
