Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Dear god my vagina.
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