last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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