Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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