she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize