Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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