mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
