It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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