I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize