you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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