Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
