I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
