His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
