There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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