Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
