why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
