My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
