so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
