I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
