he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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