I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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