i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
we're making bets on your personal life
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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