She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
