nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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