pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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