I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
