I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
