I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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