My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
