Soap is not a condiment
one two three fourrrrnication!
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
