I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
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