my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
