I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
