he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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