I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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