I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
3pm strippers are depressing
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
