Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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