So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
