who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
