What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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