you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
