there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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