So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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