It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
