You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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