there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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