omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
