Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
