it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
