So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Randomize
