he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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