i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
