I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
