I got chris browned last night
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
