I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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