my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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