last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
